Let's Create an Anthem

Jeff Kramer, Orange County Register, March 3, 2003

     About floor months ago, I flew to Spokane, Wash., to see a collage football game. it wasn't long before I found myself in, of all places, a bar.
     I was traveling alone. The pressures of work and family were far behind. I felt free.
     Well, the beers kept coming, and one thing led to another. Spokane, as you might guess, isn't the most sophisticated town. Ask for an espresso and you're likely to be handed a bus schedule. Wheat matters. So I thought I'd take advantage of my anonymity and have a little fun with these hayseeds.
     I told everyone I was "from L.A." and that I had contacts in "the biz."
     Then I forgot about Spokane - until a few days ago when the bill for my rustic slumming came due, "Hey, Kramer?" demanded a caller. "Where's our (bleepin') record contract?"
     It was Doug Clark, lead singer for Trailer Park Girls, an all-male band of aging rockers that was performing that night in the bar.
     In the depth of my boozing, seems I'd promised Doug to return to Southern California to promote the hand and its locally popular parody song, "Spokane."
     I'd even agreed to help the band retool the lyrics for an Orange County audience, telling Doug, "A song like that would be perfect for Orange County because Orange county is like Spokane without livestock - kind of a second city that doesn't get any respect. A real Loserville. Not that I spend much time there."
     Like I said, I'd been drinking. But a promise is a promise. I'm no Col. Parker, but my highly attuned sense of ethics requires me to promote the music of TPG by whatever means possible.
     You can hear some of "Spokane" by visiting www.ocreqister.com/kramervision or calling (714) 550-4636. Category 6785.
     As you listen, think how easily this catchy tune could be rewritten as O.C.'s very own theme song.
     Many stanzas will require just the slightest tweaking, as here:

              Ain't life great
              Living in Spokane
              Where the grass is green end the river's clean
              and another sex offender just moved into my neighborhood

     It's a perfect fit - except for the clean river part.
     Some lines, like this one, can stand as written:

              Our cops are always smiling
              They wave at kids shooting hoops in the park
              If you're black and you drive you're gonna get pulled over

     "We can rework the song to talk about anything you want," Doug offered. "Right-wingers. Disney. SUVs, Phonies."
     The song is frequently requested on Spokane radio, and I'd bet anyone a Newport Beach boob job that "Spokane" can be a megahit here, too, with a little tinkering on our part.
     First, I need everyone to listen to "Spokane" and take a stab at Orange Countyizing the lyrics. Then send me what you come up with.
     I'll relay the material to TPG and work with the band to transform "Spokane" into an authentic Orange County anthem we can all be proud of.
     "We're ready to tour Orange County," Doug said,
     Watch for the hay wagon.